Being a Type 1 Diabetic, you have the notion that some day, you will go blind. It’s an awful disease that messes up your blood sugar levels. Your blood flows through almost your entire body, making it capable of damaging the whole fucking lot. But your eyes in particular, you are always warned about.
Merely a few months ago, I was sitting in the same chair that I’d sat in on numerous appointments prior to this one. The consultant sat opposite me and my Mum was at my side with my beautiful, little daughter. It was silent momentarily until a million questions flooded into my head and then I broke into tears.
How do you be blind exactly? How will I get to places? How do I do my sugar levels? How will I do my job? Will my partner be able to cope with me like this or will he just leave? If he says he’ll support me regardless, do I break up with him anyway so he can live a much better life not having to describe the world to me? How can he spend his life trying to make up to me all that I miss? I’d do it for him in an instant of course, but can I really put him through it each and every day for all eternity? I don’t really have a choice. Neither of us do as we couldn’t live without one another, we wouldn’t want to. No matter how hard it gets.
I looked over to my right as I could hear my Mum sobbing. This will change her life too. Then I looked towards my daughter who she was hugging and sheer panic set in. Will I be able to tell when my daughter is happy? Could I tell merely by her voice? Will she suffer because of me? Will she develop properly now that I can no longer read to her, help with her homework or take her out?
Maybe you know me and you’re thinking I’ll get through this because I’ve fought so many battles already? Maybe you understand what I’m like behind this front I’ve had so much practice hiding behind and think I’ll break? After all, being blind is not a death sentence, right? My life after this appointment then plays out before me as days, weeks, months and years of just nothingness as the Doctor continues to talk.
One thought on “When the news first hits you (Finding out that your sight will not return)”
I already knew what an amazing,
Beautiful, feisty, intelligent & funny person you are but this blog is awesome. I laughed out loud and also cried but, even with all you have faced and faughted – and no doubt sometimes it can be too much – you twirl your hair (you do) and carry on. What an inspiration you are, your Daughter and Partner are fortunate to have you. Big Love